(no subject)

I just can't stop thinking about something the doctor said when I went last week.
It's really been bothering me so much!
I tried to stress to her again how I am not naturally a small person and how distressing loosing this much weight and being this boney is for me.
But she just said 'well, you've been small since I've been seeing you'
WHAT THE HECK MAN! I have seen her 3 times total starting only 8 months ago and I went because of being so sick that I lost massive amounts of weight! It's starting to feel like she doesn't believe me about how much weight I lost but I have tracked my weight my whole grown life and I know how much I have always weighed!
Not to mention when I saw my life long doctor at her retirement free flu shots last october her eyes went wide when she saw me and she said "You have lost A LOT of weight" in a very concerned way and she wanted me to keep seeking help.
She knew because she saw me at all my different weights and especially being at pretty high weights the past few years prior to this worsening illness.
But this doctor acts like I don't know what I am talking about when I say I have never been a really small person.
I could show her the paper I have printed from my last visit at my previous doctor in Jan. 2020 where it clearly has my weight at 150, they weighed me themselves, I didn't just make up that I weighed that much and now weigh 40lbs less! And that was when I had already started to loose some weight from the beginnings of this whatever this new illness is.
Even when I was sick from my gallbladder disease I never got below 130. And I only got really thin one other time which was right after my hysterectomy but apparently that happens to people a lot after major surgery and even then I didn't weigh THIS little!
I'm just so tired of doctors acting like I must be crazy and making everything up because it's not an easy find.
Also tired of them acting like if it's not life threatening it doesn't matter.
As if it's not a threat to your life to be bed ridden in agony 90% of them time. Just because you're alive doesn't mean you're living.

And she just keeps stressing the cymbalta but I am so scared to try it.
I have had so many terrible reactions to anti depressants in the past and even my psychiatrist said that I couldn't take medications, especially ssri's after how bad of reactions I had to everything. She keeps saying she wants me to take it because it blocks pain signals so should really help me and that would be nice if it did that but not if it causes other problems or super distressing reactions like other things have.
I tried to stress to her how I could not tolerate being any more dried out than I am now, which is one of the most common side effects. She said she rarely had patients stop taking it due to dryness but did they start out as dry as I already am?! Like seriously I can hardly see with how dry my eyes are, I can't cry, my skin is flaking off everywhere, I can't poop, my mouth and throat are so dry I have to constantly drink massive amounts of water, my blood tests show I have some dehydration going on too. So maybe she should wonder why I am so freaking dry before she prescribes me something drying!
I'm scared of other side effects too of course, like liver stuff, twitching, weight loss, electrical shocks like I had with other things, and stuff like that but the dryness thing really bothers me because I already have that so severely and I am not taking ANY kinds of medicines anymore because of them being drying and my allergies are so bad but I had to stop that a long time ago because it wasn't helping at all with the dryness!

I need to stop ranting and raving and go to bed already.

(no subject)

when you're not thin on the internet all you see is people hating their bodies that are like yours so you hate your body too because if their body isn't good enough than either is yours, then when you are thin on the internet all you see is how people can't stand to see pictures of thin people because it makes them feel bad about themselves so then you hate yourself for making people feel bad and all you see on your body is your stupid bony chest that looks terrible and all you can think about is how ugly and horrible and sick you look.
No matter what your size you just can't win with people so it's better to not care what people think and say about bodies and just live with what you got.
It's just too bad I ended up being skinny from being sick because being sick makes it even harder to accept it being this way.
But for now I am able to eat a little better so maybe I will put on some lbs. I think my chest is done for though, now that I'm old and it already got so bony I don't think gravity and the nature of aging will allow the weight to go there and that's the one place I really want it :(

(no subject)

I can't afford to live so I'm just giving up.
I know a lot of people have offered to give some help but that's not right at all.
I don't want people who have to work their butts off to survive themselves to have to sacrifice for a person who doesn't do anything for anyone ever. Just sits alone in their room in misery all day long. What good is that to this world?
The one thing that should be helping people is the medical system and government.
They should stop being a huge scam and take care of people like is their job.
Even, and especially if someone is too sick to work but too poor to prove they are too sick.

I am just done with everything.

(no subject)

Feel like the only thing I am capable of is annoying people.
All I ever do is gripe of about my health which is so boring and annoying to have to hear about all the time.
I really wish I had some kind of creative outlet but not only am I so bad at everything I don't enjoy doing things I'm bad at. And I can't even try a lot of things because it costs too much money for supplies.
So far the only thing I've ever had is dressing up and posing for photos but not only does that seem really pretentious to keep posting, I don't have the energy or stamina to do it very often or very well when I do. And the camera is so old I think it's affecting the quality of the photos it takes now. So I just wish I could figure out some way to be creative and productive beyond that.
I really REALLY need something to give me a reason to keep going...
Something to bring even a small feeling of joy and accomplishment.

(no subject)

I wish my life felt worth fighting for but it doesn't and it's not.
I'm not suicidal or anything just don't have any drive left in me to fight for myself and my doctor says there is nothing wrong with me that they can find and that doctors aren't good at finding rare stuff and can only try to treat symptoms but that I don't have anything dangerous so I don't have to worry about dying but I am not worried about dying I am worried about having to be so sick and get worse the rest of my life. Like how is it ok and not dangerous to live your life in bed and hardly able to move or eat?
Anyway I have changed my outlook for the most part from I want to die to I want get better but it doesn't look like either will ever be an option for me so I can't help but feel hopeless, helpless, and worthless.

(no subject)

I'm in agony, absolute agony. I don't know if I can keep getting through the days like this with not a single bit of hope in sight. No help from anywhere.
I have my CT follow up on tuesday but I already read it online and it showed nothing he can deal with.
Just cysts and lesions on my ovaries and fluid in the area. He's not that kind of doctor and that's probably not what's causing all these problems I'm having anyway because the problems are clearly inside my intestines. CLEARLY. The stuff I see come out of me, oh boy.
That guy did say I probably needed to see a gastroenterologist because he's just a surgeon and doesn't deal with those things. He didn't even know what gilbert's syndrome was and I had to explain it to him! He also only does upper digestive, stomach and esophagus and nothing showed in those areas so it's got to be something lower down.

The pain is getting worse and different every day, every minute is feeling harder than the one before. I've never had anything like this in my life. I can't take it but I'm too poor to do anything about it and too sick and weak to try to not be poor.
I called gastros around here last year when this was all starting and they start at $250 per visit, no uninsured discounts, no financial assistance programs and you have to prepay.
So what are people with serious gut problems supposed to do?! Die I guess because money means more to them than anything else. They probably don't even want to help people get well they just want their money.

My mom says they should just pay for it, but all they have is social security, and they pay all the house and car bills with that. They're so old they shouldn't have to pay for anything for me anymore. I'm old enough that I need to not rely on them so much no matter how sick I am.
My mom said was she just supposed to sit there and watch me die, but my dad doesn't want to pay for it anyway and he's the one who gets the money say and I honestly don't think it would be right for them to pay that much when they really can't afford it. My life isn't that important.
It's not like anyone acknowledges my existence outside my house anyway. Can't even get my siblings to interact with me in any way.

The scan also showed I have severe pectus excavatum, which no one said anything about to me ever in my life and if it's severe why didn't anyone ever think it mattered? Since it's something that happens while you're growing it must have showed on ct scans I've had in the past.
I am wondering if that's why I get chest pains all the time! Dr's really don't care about your suffering at all if they don't think they can give you a drug or operation for it do they?

(no subject)

Feeling like the whole world is as done with me as I am.

Finally getting my ct scan tomorrow, was supposed to get a month ago but things keep happening to push it back.
I'm still having a lot of side effects from 2nd dose but I'm going to just get it over with because I can't take how sick I am anymore.
I don't think it will show anything but I can't move to the next step until I get this done.
idk if I even want to, I am so exhausted all the time. I don't even feel like a real person anymore. I can hardly stand to look at a screen even since I got the vax because my head and eyes hurt so much.
I just want everything to be over. I just want to feel good. I want to eat a lot of food and not get sick. I am literally wasting away here and it feels like nothing can be done about it.
I haven't weighed this much since I was 12 but I feel like after I get the ct scan and it shows nothing everyone will just go back to telling me I'm crazy again and not even bother trying to check for the million other things it could be that don't show up on the few tests they gave me.
But it's too much work for them, especially when I'm a charity patient.

(no subject)

honestly feel like I'm dying and all I can do is sit around and wait for it to happen.
As much as I want this to end I would rather it end in me feeling well. I just want to feel semi decent one day. I'll take what I had 15+ years ago even over this and that stuff was bad enough. At least I got some days off then and could eat.

(no subject)

Yep, 2nd dose is kicking my butt in just the way it has to Alyssa so far.
I had the expected fever and body aches for 2 days but then third day my lymph nodes all over my entire body swelled up, headache, itching all over, more stomach pain than usual, everything everywhere hurts feeling super weak and fatigued. Alyssa is 15 days into it and still going through it with no end in sight. Her doctor said give it another 2 weeks and if it's still the same they will run some tests.
No one else I know of has gone through this, but of course we had to because we react badly to everything. This is why I hesitated to get it but I didn't know what else I was supposed to do.
And I feel like I shouldn't talk about it anywhere or to anyone because I don't want to scare anyone off it when it seems like most people are fine.

Got another surprise bill from a pathologist today, I thought for sure that one was covered. It has an email to send about charity care on it so I will do that and hope for the best. Still wont know about the other ones for a bit longer.

I just don't want to go through anything anymore. I want all this bad stuff to be over.
I'm so tired. I know everyone is though.