(no subject)

I'm really starting to regret getting these cats.
I definitely wasn't emotionally ready. I really just want Cole and no one else.
But that part wouldn't be so bad if I could at least handle them and be in the same room with them for more than a few mins without an allergic reaction.
The most frustrating part is that I have to do all the work to care for them without any of the joy of being with them. No one else will do it. It doesn't matter how much time goes by no one will feed them, water them, clean their litter, shop for the things they need or anything.
It's all left up to me. They are happy to play with them, pet them, sit with them but when it comes to doing any form of care no one else will do it!
I knew my dad wouldn't because that's how he is with everything. But I thought Alyssa would at least. She always says she's tired or doesn't feel good but I am tired and feel extremely horrible all the time! But no one has ever cared how badly I feel physically because if they feel bad physically it's so much more important. And everyone knows I will end up doing stuff because unlike them I can't let an animal go uncared for no matter how sick and weak and tired I am.
Alyssa also said she wanted a cat because she had extra money now that she's not doing other things, but suddenly she wont spend any money on ANYTHING for them. But at least my dad has so far. I don't know how long he'll keep it up before he starts stressing about it though.
They were the 2 who wanted cats so badly. I was the one who said I didn't know if I could ever have another cat. But they are the two that wont do ANYTHING for them! My mom will at least clean poop out of the box if it happens while I am sleeping.
It feels so unfair that I have to do all the work when I can't even be a part of their lives because of these stupid allergies! I was never allergic to Cole, or Kita, so I still don't know why I am suffering with them so badly now. I think it's Cole's vengeance upon me for daring to replace her.

At least Ayla is really warming up to people now and although she is still more nervous and jumpy than Astra who felt at home right away, you can tell she is feeling more at home.
It's only the 4th day so I think she's actually doing pretty well in that aspect.
Now if only I were able to actually be with them. I probably wouldn't be feeling this depressed and resentful about everything if I could bond more with them. They're here for life now though, it's a life time commitment when you get a pet. You can't back out on them, it's too cruel.
So no matter how much I suffer for them and hurt for them I will do it because I am the only one who will and I care about all cats no matter what.

I can't tell anyone about my feelings or difficulties because my dad will get moody and mopey and go on and on about he did the wrong thing and he'll be impossible to be around.
Alyssa will loose her temper and flip out with anger and irritation and find a way to blame me for everything, hide in her room, and then be even less likely to do anything so I'll just have to keep it in forever. I wonder if I will be able to manage this for the rest of my life like I am going to have to...

(no subject)

So my dad decided we needed a new cat and these 2 manx kittens came up so we got them.
I wasn't sure about it because I didn't feel ready. The pain of loosing Cole is still so fresh to me. But he was so excited about it that I couldn't let him down. And I do like them even though Ayla is still so scared of is and anxious all the time which makes me sad.
It's only been one day though.
The problem is I think I am allergic to them! I don't understand why I would suddenly be allergic to cats when I never have been before but ever since last night I have felt like hell and feeling only worse since then. Either that or I'm getting co-vid. But it's interesting it started shortly after we got them home.
My eyes are itching and burning so bad, my head hurts like a sinus headache, I am so congested in my nose and throat, and my throat is also scratchy and burning.
I took allergy medicine and helped a tiny bit for a few hours but now I feel so terrible.
This is so unfair. Why would I be allergic to cats when I never have been?
Am I getting co-vid? And if I am how will we take care of these new little precious kitties?
And if I am this allergic to them what will do?! We can't return them and we can't just give them up!
Maybe my body just need to adjust to them and then it will get better?
I'm so worried and scared.

I have been becoming allergic to things I never have been before this year though and I don't get why that is happening.
Like cashews and almonds. I never had any problems with them in my life! I always ate so many nuts and was just fine but now I get itchy and hives when I eat them.
I'm used to having to give up foods, even my favorites ones, and although I hate it I can do it.
But how am I going to give up cats?!
We made a commitment to them and everyone else is fine. Maybe it's me that needs to be gotten rid of.
I don't know if I can bear feeling this bad all the time for the rest of my life.
I just hope it's not co-vid. idk where I would have gotten it but I did get an outdoor flu shot last week, though everyone did wear masks. Everyone wore masks when we got the cats too and you don't show symptoms that fast. I haven't gone anywhere else at all.
uuuuugghhh when is anything ever going to be ok?!
I thought cats were going to make me happy. I had such a fun time and laughed so much playing with them yesterday but I feel sooooo sick now.

(no subject)

After eating the same 5 (bland) things for months now I have some terrible cravings and desires for so many foods! Some super basic foods mostly, the things I enjoyed on the daily and took for granted for so much of my life.
Right now I really want a smoked turkey, sharp cheddar cheese, with yellow mustard and lettuce on rye bread.
A peanut butter and strawberry jelly sandwich on white bread.
Freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.
Those are the 3 things I want and crave more than anything else in the world.
I haven't yeasted or gluten bread in 7 years. SEVEN YEARS since I have had anything with yeast in it.
No pizza, no breads, nothing. So many times I just want bread so bad it makes me cry.
I was always so good at not eating anything yeasted, even though bread had been one of my #1 foods, when I found out it was one of the main things I couldn't tolerate.
But I miss it so much and now that I am barely able to eat anything at all I miss it and want it so badly.
It's funny how they say cravings go away if you go long enough without them because it's a complete lie. The longer you go without something the more you think about it and the more you want it.
I tried to eat 1 small leaf of lettuce last night and today has not be pleasant at all.
I'm so tired of this.
On top of everything else my head and neck hurt so bad the past few days too.
I'm glad I at least have this journal where I can come to and complain as much as I want to without worrying about bothering anyone. Because all I really want to do is complain and complain because I really can not stand this life I have at all and there isn't a thing I can do to change it or make it better apparently so I NEED to at least be able to complain!

(no subject)

The doctor I have seen since I was 8 years old had her retirement today.
She deserved it but it still makes me sad. Their office was a charity run by nun's and the only way my family could ever afford to see a doctor. Several years ago the main doctor passed away and the office closed down but the one doctor left started running things out of the urgent care so I still had someone I could see for the small things and blood tests.
The last several years she was actually getting to where she wasn't really able to do anything and wasn't very helpful for me anymore but it was still a way I could get my blood tests, flu shots, and treatment for ear infections and small things like that.
The last time I saw her was this past January because even though I knew she didn't have anything left she could do for me I was so sick I thought she could at least see how my blood work was doing. She did still care but she was just too old and out of resources.

Well today they had a free flu shot event to honor her retirement. It was done outdoors so it wasn't as scary as having to go inside a place and I really wanted to be able to get a flu shot this year more than any other year so I went.
The first thing she said to me was "you have lost a lot of weight haven't you"
I was wearing some really baggy draw string pants, baggy tshirt and hoodie, plus a mask and sunglasses and she still noticed. I didn't think it was that noticeable with what I was wearing but I guess it was. I saw her about 3 times since last Nov - Jan for this current issue so she knew how sick I was and that I had started loosing weight so maybe that's why she pointed it out.
But it's not like it was a doctors appointment and she wont be practicing anymore after today so it felt awkward to talk about but she seemed like she really wanted to know how I was doing and anyone, especially her should know not to ask me how I'm doing unless you really want to know, so I told her a lot of stuff. Between my mask, soft voice, and the traffic noises it didn't seem like she heard much of what I was saying though. I did thank her for everything she did for my family over the years and wish her a happy retirement too so it wasn't all self centered talk at least.

Then my mom went to get hers later and she mentioned to my mom how much weight I lost and mom said she said that everyone was worried about it but one good thing was I could fit into my old clothes again and I really wish she wouldn't have said that because I DON'T fit into my old clothes anymore, they are too BIG now, and it makes it sound like I'm loosing weight for that reason and that I'm not any less than I have been before. But in the end it doesn't matter because she wont be my doctor anymore. I don't know how old she is but I know she's really old, probably late 70s at the youngest but probably more like early 80s. I know she's older than my parents. She's worked hard and did so much for people and really cared that people got the health care they needed even if they were poor and unable to pay. There isn't really anything like that anymore.
Even within catholic settings in the US at least there doesn't seem to be anymore charitable medical doctors and nurses anymore.
And that is one of the things that makes me sad is that even more things from my life are coming to end. It's the worst and hardest part about getting older, watching everything end.

And now I feel really crummy from the flu shot. I keep reminding myself that every time I've gotten a flu shot I've felt terrible for a day or two after but of course anytime something feels off now I can't get the fear of covid out of my mind.

(no subject)

Even though I seem to idealize the early 2000s I do know they were full of problems too, and there were a lot of things about me that were not very great and I made a lot of mistakes with people.
I do know that. It's just I was so much healthier, stronger, more energetic, and finding so many new things to be interested in and actually making friends, and it's those good things I want to go back to.
Not my constant demands of attention and interactions with my friends, the rude sarcastic comments I made about everything because I thought they were funny. Constantly talking about and sharing all my inner turmoil with everyone all the time because I thought it was so important for people to understand me.
One thing I know now that I wish I knew then is that no one is capable of understanding anyone and you can't put that burden on them. It's ok to share how you're feeling sometimes because it does make you feel less alone but you shouldn't always be pouring out every little insecurity and problem you have every minute of every day! No one can put up with that and shouldn't have too. That is way too much to put on other people who are all going through their own things. I wish I would have been more understanding back then. I wish I would have been kinder, more patient and less demanding of people. As much fun as I was having most of the time, I wish I could have been a better to others. Then maybe my friendships could have lasted longer and stronger. But maybe not. No matter how perfect a person you are time causes people to drift apart.
Sometimes I wish I could just go to everyone and apologize for being such a selfish annoying person back then but I that would put them in an awkward position too.
I just wish people could know how sorry I am for everything ever.
One thing for sure is that I will always be socially inept and have no idea what is appropriate in social settings. I've learned some over the years so I am better than I was back then but I'm still so terrible at knowing what to do or say at all times.

Also, I wish I wouldn't have uneven greasy clumpy bangs all the time back then! Ruins all the pictures from all those fun times! But oh well, at least I was more concerned about being in the moment at the moment instead of worrying about bangs constantly like I started to do after so many bad photos of me in 2003.

(no subject)

Sorting through photos still, probably will be forever.
Came across a photo of me wearing a belly shirt in 2003.
Smooth clear & clean torso. No scars at all.
My belly button looks normal, not the weird almost disappearing from all the keloid scars surrounding it now.
Back in the days before surgeries and gut problems.

Found another photo from early 2013 where I had cut into my pelvis the words "I HATE YOU"
A few months later that was all healed and a clean straight line was cut and offending organs removed. Now there is a long line of a nice clean scar across my whole pelvis.
They really did a good job with that one.

This week I lost another pound and I just cried. I really thought maybe I would have gained one since I was able to eat more than I had been and didn't loose the week before, but I guess it's still not enough and I'm feeling sicker again. I'm still going to try to force as much "safe" foods as I can while I can stand it though because it's probably only a matter of time before I wont be able to again and then what will happen? I'll just disappear for sure.
I guess that wouldn't be so bad though. I'm ready to be done with everything.
I'm ready to go be with Cole again. I miss her so much every day I can't stand it.

The spot on my leg keeps growing and changing too and it's giving me so much anxiety, I get a lot of leg pains in that area too. I keep trying to convince myself it's probably nothing bad but of course it doesn't stop the worry of it probably is. And it's been there so long now that if it is anything bad it's too late for it.
All this just because politicians are greedy cowards who would rather see people die of things that probably could have been easily cured if caught in time than actually take care of the citizens of the country they are there to SERVE.

I AM SO TIRED OF EVERYTHING.

(no subject)

I think the real reason you're not supposed to live with your parents when you're older is because of how much worry you end up having for them as they age.
And they don't care about themselves or their health at all so all you can do is just listen to and see them getting worse everyday and worry and worry and worry.
All I can do is worry. It's the one and only thing I've ever been good at anyway and they give me plenty to worry about constantly.
If you don't live with your parents you don't have to see them aging and health failing in real time so you can separate yourself from it.
My sibling who moved out haven't a clue about how bad it's getting and don't have to feel the constant worry about it because they don't have the constant exposure I have.
And I think that's good for them and the way it's supposed to be, because you have to figure out a way to live and survive separate from your parents and I will never have that.

(no subject)

I'm sorting through all the photos from the history of my digital life which is 17 years worth of photos. I have never sorted them before so it's all a mess and they were all over the place so I am trying to get them all in one place and put in folders by dates and events.
I've been doing it for weeks now and have barely put a dent in them.
It's all making me super nostalgic and also depressed because I miss everything and everyone so much.
I realized also just how far superior everyone was at everything than I ever was or could hope to be. Somehow someone as hopeless at everything as me was able to collect this amazing, beautiful and talented group of friends, who were such interesting and fun people and so good at so many things!
I never really felt worthy of them but looking back I feel even more unworthy than ever.
But I am happy I at least had them in my life for the amount of time I did and still have a tiny bit with a few people.
It was the only time in my life I ever had friends.
2003 was truly the best year of my life and if I could go back to any time it would be then.
So many conventions and travels just to be with friends! So many fun experiments with clothes and photos! Even if they didn't all work or were not very good it was so much fun!
And Cole was alive and healthy. I was alive and healthy. In fact my whole family was healthy unlike now. I could eat anything without getting sick. I didn't have to sleep, I had a memory.
All of that is gone now. Everything is gone and I'm so sad.

I'm depressed about my weight too because nothing I have fits now. 2 years ago I was by far the largest I ever was in my life at 185 and I was depressed because I had nothing that fit. I wanted to loose weight so I could wear my cute clothes again. I was hoping some day I could get down to something like 135 - 145. But instead I've been so sick and down to 118 which is the least I have ever been since I was 12 years old. NOTHING fits me. I wish I at least had some pajamas that fit so that I didn't have to constantly be hiking up my bottoms.
I've been trying on a lot of my old outfits and took photos in a few but I literally have to clip things on for them to stay up.
When I look down at my body I feel like I'm not that small because I have a lot of fat and loose skin on me. Which I know is from such a rapid large weight loss with no exercise. So I forget how small I am until I try to wear clothes and especially when I see myself in photos. It doesn't look like me at all. And my face has aged so incredibly much. I always used to gripe about that in the past but this time it's actually true. I put on about 10 years on my face in the past year. I think the trauma from Cole dying and everything that's happened since then and the huge weight loss was too much for my appearance to handle. It just aged me so much.
I can fake looking ok in distant photos but selfies are out. I think if my face was fuller it would be better. I wish I could gain at least 10 lbs. Some things would fit and my face would probably be a little fuller. But since I can't seem to ever be able to eat much again I don't know if I ever can. I was able to eat a little more quantity this week so for the first time in months I went a week without loosing anything but I'm getting some more pains again so I'm very scared I wont be able to eat all again soon.
I'm not a naturally skinny person at all. I never have been and I never will be. Any time I was on the thin side I had to fight really hard for it.
I've never been extremely large either, but definitely not skinny.
If I eat a comfortably well balanced diet I will be around 150. I am not meant to be or made to be skinny. And I worry people will think it's better to be skinny so think I look better now.
I have been doing lots of photos the past few months simply because the cute small clothes I hoarded go on my body now but I feel like I shouldn't share them.
I don't think anyone cares about them anyway so it doesn't matter. I posted some on FB but some didn't even get a single like. Could be FB fault of course but I wonder why I keep doing these things I wish I could show people and have them care when no one will ever be interested.
It's not like it used to be. Everyone has changed and grown.
I don't just miss being able to share my own photos but I really miss photos of other people!
I just want to see the lives and faces of people I know. I don't care about random strangers or celebrities! I'm glad I saved all my friends photos from the past because at least I will always have those memories to hold on to.

(no subject)

I'm just going back to not trying anymore because everything I do fails anyway.
I'm a big flop and always have been so there is no reason to even try.
No one wants or needs me around anyway. I'm just not good enough and I obviously never can be.

(no subject)

I just give up.
If even my parents think I'm ruining their life then whats even the point.
And I love my dad so much and do everything I can to protect him but in the end he just resents me.
This whole world is definitely better off without me.
I don't even know why I keep trying so hard for.

I'm actually so worried about my dad. He's been acting so strange for months now.
Loosing his temper and blowing up at people like he never has before and forgetting so many things.
This evening I found he had put the jelly in the cabinet rather than the fridge. He never has done stuff like that. I'm getting really scared. I know all the signs point to some bad age related diseases. It's not fair because he never even go to do anything in his life expect work and now he has to stay home and never do anything and with how he's been acting he probably wont have good enough health to do anything if covid ever does end.
It's really not fair at all. He's worked hard labor from ages 15-70 and he's never had anything nice in his life and he's always been a generally very good person to everybody.
I mean he is the one that raised to believe in equality and always made everything work no matter how little we had. And his one dream was maxing out his social security to travel and now he doesn't even get that.
Maybe it's just depression that is making his loose his mind and not those terrible memory loss diseases that strike older people but I can't help but be scared.