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(no subject) [Aug. 13th, 2019|02:34 am]
expendable crewman
I hate it when you desperately need help but there isn't anyone who can help you.
Like, what are you supposed to do?!
Everything has been so awful and scary with just about everyone in my family's health and with me being extra sickly these days I feel hopeless to do anything to help anyone and I really need to be able to.
Everything is our house is breaking down and falling apart including the people and cat in it.
I just wish something good would happen for a change.

(no subject) [Aug. 3rd, 2019|05:33 pm]
expendable crewman
Finally heard back from the doctor and was able to get an appointment and now I am just anxiously waiting till monday to hear what the blood test results are going to be.
She thinks it's probably my liver and once we see what the blood test results we'll know for sure but regardless she wants me to see a gastroenterologist but I doubt they will see someone who can't pay them no matter how sick they are.
My charity doctor is only $12 per visit, no matter how many tests they do and that happened to be the exact amount I had so beyond that I dunno what I'm supposed to do.
I was only able to make $30 in July cause I feel too sick to even do much on the computer, not to mention how messed up my eyes are and staring at screens makes them worse.
Ugggh I hate going through medical stuff more than anything. I had totally resigned myself to just living with all the problems I and figured since I've been in poor health all my adult life it wasn't like it was anything too serious that could kill me, just disable me for 90% of the time.
But noooo that wasn't good enough for my body, it had to come and attack me like this and make everything much worse and scary!
I really just want to know what's wrong and what I can expect to happen.
I don't even know if I would want to treat whatever it is or recover if it would be too hard and scary or too expensive, but just knowing whats going on is invaluable to me.
It's really important to me to know if this something I can get better from or not!

(no subject) [Jul. 28th, 2019|12:58 am]
expendable crewman
I'm so frustrated. I finally worked up the nerve to call the charity doctor I always used to go to to see if I could still qualify to go there and I left a message and they never got back to me. I think they're ghosting me just like the charity dentist seems to do. I think all the charity places must have black listed me or something.
Their voice mail always says to not leave more than 1 message so you can't even call again later on to see if they got your message or are ignoring you!
Idk what I'm gonna do. I was perfectly happy to never go to another doctor again but now I'm so sick with stuff that seems like either liver or pancreas and I feel like I should at least try to find at what is. I really don't want to have anymore medical tests and procedures again or have to stress out about if I can find a way to get them paid for. I'm so traumatized by it all that didn't ever want to do it again. But even if it turns out to be something I can do nothing about I need to know what's going on. I can't stand not knowing whats going and not knowing what the outlook of my life might be!
And I really want to be able to eat again. I feel so weak from not eating.
Maybe I'll finally loose some weight and be able to wear my cute clothes again.
But of course I will feel too sick to dress up so that makes it kind of pointless.
arrrgh I just wish I could win the lottery or a big sweepstakes or something so I could just go to any old doctor!

All my hair is falling out too and that is really depressing me more than anything. If it doesn't stop soon I am going to need to some wigs really soon, but of course I have no way of getting any of those either. Besides they're probably too itchy and hot.

(no subject) [Jul. 25th, 2019|01:10 pm]
expendable crewman
Cole's doing much better but now I'm super sick and it's really bad timing.
My dad has had this planned for 2 months now that he would take me to this restaurant 1.5 hrs away that he's really wanted to take me ever since he and my mom went last year and it's only open during the week and he has a rare weekday off tomorrow so it was going to work out perfect but now I'm way too sick to eat anything, to the point I can't even force myself to, so it would be pointless to drive all that way. But I don't want to let him down. I know he's going to be so disappointed but what can I do. I don't have any control over when my body decides to attack me.
This is why I hate making plans because so often something happens and I can't follow through and then I let everyone down.
I'm kind of concerned about some of the symptoms happening this time as I always hear it could mean something really bad but I'm just hopping it's going to clear up after awhile cause I can't afford to get medical help anyway.
I always try to tell myself so what if I die, it doesn't really matter so why spend a lot on medical care even if I did have the means to do so. But at the same time I always want to know whats going on and why my body is doing these things and what it all means! Not that doctors usually have the answers for a lot of things but it would at least be nice to know if my bloodwork would come out ok or not.

(no subject) [Jul. 21st, 2019|12:10 am]
expendable crewman
I'm so sad about Cole I can't take it.
I hate seeing her suffer but I don't think it's time to let her go quite yet.
Today has been so hard.
Maybe we shouldn't have taken her to the emergency vet last night and had them revive her enough to take home. Maybe we should have let her pass sooner, but me and Alyssa both felt like we couldn't do it because she had been fairly ok just before she took that medicine I gave her so it felt like the right thing to do at the time but her heart is so bad and her kidney's aren't working right and she barely ate today and just laying around listlessly.
She did cuddle a little bit with me this evening though.
I don't know what I am going to do without a kitty to hug everyday, and to sit with and pet her soft fur. She loves being with people so much even now when most cats try to hide she wants to be in the same room with people. She's even at her usual place at the end of my bed.
She smells so strongly of urine and I can't give her a bath like I normally do when she pees herself because I'm scared the stress of it will kill her immediately, so I just used baby wipes but they don't get the smell out.
I don't know if she will make it through the weekend and if she does what we should do.
Should we call our regular vet and see if we should keep holding out or if it really would be the right time to take her in and let her go?
Should we go into even more debt for her when she probably can't live much longer anyway?
She's 21. I should be ok with her death. Most cats don't make it this far. Everyone and every vet says so. I should be happy with what we've had and I am but I don't want it to end.
I want it to be me and Cole forever. I wish if she has to go she would take me with her.
How am I going to live without her? Even though it's been hard taking care of her the last year it gave me something to get out of bed for every day. It's been my reason for everything and now it looks like it really is ending this time.
I know people probably think I am too attached and over dramatic. I know she's not a person or anything and I know loosing a parent or sibling would feel even more painful and hard, but to me she is my world. We've been together for 21 years. She's been with me through so much. She's been my comfort and my joy. I'm just so attached to her that maybe I am being cruel by keeping her alive this long. I don't know but she has loved being alive and she's loved us so much.
I have never known a more loving cat. She's always trusted us with everything. No matter what we've needed to do she's let us do it. In 21 years she's never purposely scratched a person other than my brother 1 time who scared he really bad when she was 1. She's just so good.
I don't think I can ever love another cat. I know I can't ever afford another cat. Her vet bills are going to last much longer than she will. But I am grateful we've had this last year with her, these last months and weeks and days. All our hard work and effort to keep her alive and with us is worth it to me, and I hope it has been for her. I really didn't think she would even make it to 21 but here she months into being 21. I should be ready to let her go now. I know she can't last forever, but I still really want her too.
No one lasts forever but even knowing that the pain of loosing someone is never any less.
It's just weird to me how some people don't even get that upset when their pet dies. I know most people do but I've always seen people who act like it's no big deal and I just don't understand.
I feel like I can't think or talk about anything else other than Cole, and her being sick, and loosing her and I know it's just too much for other people to hear about all the time so I need to just stick with here to talk about it and avoid other places for awhile.

(no subject) [Jul. 18th, 2019|02:47 pm]
expendable crewman
I'm so depressed about the state of the world and all the hateful people in it that I just want to go on a cute stationary shopping spree to make myself feel better but I have to make myself not do it because I don't have any money and haven't been able to make any money in quite awhile and still don't know if the charity will cover my hospital bill.
But all I want is to drown myself in cute stationary!
I don't know why since I have more than I can ever use but that brief moment of opening a new package filled with the cutest things gives me happiness that lasts sometimes for hours and that's almost impossible for me to get from anything else.

(no subject) [Jul. 11th, 2019|04:07 pm]
expendable crewman
I hate it when people think you can do more than you actually can, when they assume you're smarter and more abled than you actually are.
As if when I say I can't do something it's just because I'm lazy or maybe just insecure.
It is true a lot of things I feel like I can't do is because of insecurities but it's much deeper than that. It's extreme anxiety and panic that I can't just make go away all of the sudden.
If I can pull myself together to one social thing it takes me like a year to get to the point I feel I could try doing another. I need so much recovery time after every little thing I do.
I don't know why people think I'm not having a lot of trouble and putting a huge amount of effort into each little thing I do when I am. Literally everything causes me and extreme amount of physical and mental pain. Yes I try to cover it as much as possible when I do happen to be around people and most people are unobservant so they wont even notice if you are being obvious about your discomfort so maybe that's why.
People always act like if they can do something despite their mental or physical issues than you should be able to too. But everyone is not alike and not everyone will able to do the same things you can do. Everyone has their own levels. Maybe if I had the right kind of therapy and could dedicate years to it I could maybe improve a little but it's not something I can do on my own and I know that. I will never be able to overcome things on my own or take care of myself in any capacity and I wish people would stop expecting so much from me. Even if they are just trying to help, it's not helpful to just tell someone they should be able to do something or you think they would be able to do something. Most people can't just do things without a great deal of help and being shown exactly how to do it. Or maybe that's just me. idk. I'm very slow and struggle to form words and thoughts all the time. That's why I ramble on so much without ever really saying anything because I can't even figure out how to put into words what I mean or actually want to say.

(no subject) [Jul. 7th, 2019|01:16 am]
expendable crewman
I just noticed that I am the same age as my mom was when she went through her deepest darkest most extreme, cant even get out of bed, suicidal depression, and I am currently experiencing that exact same depression. We were both very depressed and anxious all of our lives and we both made it to this point in our lives with almost the same result.
And weirder still is my niece is the same age I was during all this.
But unlike my mom I can rarely cry and I am able to contain myself when I have to be around people. I think I can do this because I rarely ever am or have to be around people so when it does happen I find it easier to act as though everything is normal than to let my desperation show because unlike my mom bothering and upsetting other people is something I just hate doing no matter how bad things get for me. I am a lot more like my dad in that way. I withdraw more within myself the worse things get and the worse I feel.
Though unlike my mom who was able to be helped through it after going on medication and receiving a lot of counseling, my body is not able to tolerate medications and free counseling just doesn't seem to exist anymore, so I'm going to be trapped in this forever only getting worse and worse till I just disappear.

(no subject) [Jul. 5th, 2019|01:00 am]
expendable crewman
I found out today that Cole's first vet died. He was kind of older and had been retired for awhile but it's still so strange thinking about how Cole even outlived her vet. It just seems like so many people I knew in my youth are dying now and it makes me really sad and fearful for loosing those that I love.

Tomorrow Cole is going to her now vet to get her bladder rechecked after her 2nd round of antibiotics but she's actually doing really badly and I think her kidney's might be failing.
We're getting at the point where it's just about trying to make her comfortable as possible I think. She's really gone downhill a lot the past 2 weeks. But maybe she will rally again. Who knows.

(no subject) [Jul. 3rd, 2019|05:29 pm]
expendable crewman
I managed to apply for charity for my hospital bill today.
I hope they will approve me but it will take around a month to find out so in the meantime I can be worried and anxious about it.
Obviously I don't make too much to be approved but I have no real proof of income so that might be a problem.
Hopefully it will be ok though. Maybe I will get my birthday wish, just a bit late.
I feel guilty for having to apply for charity for something that's not even a huge amount. They did tell me that the discount on the bill was because I didn't have insurance and that they give ER discounts for uninsured so that's a new thing they do that is good but even so I can't ever get $500. Even in 1 year I don't make that much.
Well, that's that I guess. All I can do now is wait and see.
I wish they could be faster about it though.

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