||[Jul. 21st, 2019|12:10 am]
I'm so sad about Cole I can't take it.|
I hate seeing her suffer but I don't think it's time to let her go quite yet.
Today has been so hard.
Maybe we shouldn't have taken her to the emergency vet last night and had them revive her enough to take home. Maybe we should have let her pass sooner, but me and Alyssa both felt like we couldn't do it because she had been fairly ok just before she took that medicine I gave her so it felt like the right thing to do at the time but her heart is so bad and her kidney's aren't working right and she barely ate today and just laying around listlessly.
She did cuddle a little bit with me this evening though.
I don't know what I am going to do without a kitty to hug everyday, and to sit with and pet her soft fur. She loves being with people so much even now when most cats try to hide she wants to be in the same room with people. She's even at her usual place at the end of my bed.
She smells so strongly of urine and I can't give her a bath like I normally do when she pees herself because I'm scared the stress of it will kill her immediately, so I just used baby wipes but they don't get the smell out.
I don't know if she will make it through the weekend and if she does what we should do.
Should we call our regular vet and see if we should keep holding out or if it really would be the right time to take her in and let her go?
Should we go into even more debt for her when she probably can't live much longer anyway?
She's 21. I should be ok with her death. Most cats don't make it this far. Everyone and every vet says so. I should be happy with what we've had and I am but I don't want it to end.
I want it to be me and Cole forever. I wish if she has to go she would take me with her.
How am I going to live without her? Even though it's been hard taking care of her the last year it gave me something to get out of bed for every day. It's been my reason for everything and now it looks like it really is ending this time.
I know people probably think I am too attached and over dramatic. I know she's not a person or anything and I know loosing a parent or sibling would feel even more painful and hard, but to me she is my world. We've been together for 21 years. She's been with me through so much. She's been my comfort and my joy. I'm just so attached to her that maybe I am being cruel by keeping her alive this long. I don't know but she has loved being alive and she's loved us so much.
I have never known a more loving cat. She's always trusted us with everything. No matter what we've needed to do she's let us do it. In 21 years she's never purposely scratched a person other than my brother 1 time who scared he really bad when she was 1. She's just so good.
I don't think I can ever love another cat. I know I can't ever afford another cat. Her vet bills are going to last much longer than she will. But I am grateful we've had this last year with her, these last months and weeks and days. All our hard work and effort to keep her alive and with us is worth it to me, and I hope it has been for her. I really didn't think she would even make it to 21 but here she months into being 21. I should be ready to let her go now. I know she can't last forever, but I still really want her too.
No one lasts forever but even knowing that the pain of loosing someone is never any less.
It's just weird to me how some people don't even get that upset when their pet dies. I know most people do but I've always seen people who act like it's no big deal and I just don't understand.
I feel like I can't think or talk about anything else other than Cole, and her being sick, and loosing her and I know it's just too much for other people to hear about all the time so I need to just stick with here to talk about it and avoid other places for awhile.