June 12th, 2021

(no subject)

I wish my life felt worth fighting for but it doesn't and it's not.
I'm not suicidal or anything just don't have any drive left in me to fight for myself and my doctor says there is nothing wrong with me that they can find and that doctors aren't good at finding rare stuff and can only try to treat symptoms but that I don't have anything dangerous so I don't have to worry about dying but I am not worried about dying I am worried about having to be so sick and get worse the rest of my life. Like how is it ok and not dangerous to live your life in bed and hardly able to move or eat?
Anyway I have changed my outlook for the most part from I want to die to I want get better but it doesn't look like either will ever be an option for me so I can't help but feel hopeless, helpless, and worthless.

(no subject)

Feel like the only thing I am capable of is annoying people.
All I ever do is gripe of about my health which is so boring and annoying to have to hear about all the time.
I really wish I had some kind of creative outlet but not only am I so bad at everything I don't enjoy doing things I'm bad at. And I can't even try a lot of things because it costs too much money for supplies.
So far the only thing I've ever had is dressing up and posing for photos but not only does that seem really pretentious to keep posting, I don't have the energy or stamina to do it very often or very well when I do. And the camera is so old I think it's affecting the quality of the photos it takes now. So I just wish I could figure out some way to be creative and productive beyond that.
I really REALLY need something to give me a reason to keep going...
Something to bring even a small feeling of joy and accomplishment.