June 18th, 2021

(no subject)

I just can't stop thinking about something the doctor said when I went last week.
It's really been bothering me so much!
I tried to stress to her again how I am not naturally a small person and how distressing loosing this much weight and being this boney is for me.
But she just said 'well, you've been small since I've been seeing you'
WHAT THE HECK MAN! I have seen her 3 times total starting only 8 months ago and I went because of being so sick that I lost massive amounts of weight! It's starting to feel like she doesn't believe me about how much weight I lost but I have tracked my weight my whole grown life and I know how much I have always weighed!
Not to mention when I saw my life long doctor at her retirement free flu shots last october her eyes went wide when she saw me and she said "You have lost A LOT of weight" in a very concerned way and she wanted me to keep seeking help.
She knew because she saw me at all my different weights and especially being at pretty high weights the past few years prior to this worsening illness.
But this doctor acts like I don't know what I am talking about when I say I have never been a really small person.
I could show her the paper I have printed from my last visit at my previous doctor in Jan. 2020 where it clearly has my weight at 150, they weighed me themselves, I didn't just make up that I weighed that much and now weigh 40lbs less! And that was when I had already started to loose some weight from the beginnings of this whatever this new illness is.
Even when I was sick from my gallbladder disease I never got below 130. And I only got really thin one other time which was right after my hysterectomy but apparently that happens to people a lot after major surgery and even then I didn't weigh THIS little!
I'm just so tired of doctors acting like I must be crazy and making everything up because it's not an easy find.
Also tired of them acting like if it's not life threatening it doesn't matter.
As if it's not a threat to your life to be bed ridden in agony 90% of them time. Just because you're alive doesn't mean you're living.

And she just keeps stressing the cymbalta but I am so scared to try it.
I have had so many terrible reactions to anti depressants in the past and even my psychiatrist said that I couldn't take medications, especially ssri's after how bad of reactions I had to everything. She keeps saying she wants me to take it because it blocks pain signals so should really help me and that would be nice if it did that but not if it causes other problems or super distressing reactions like other things have.
I tried to stress to her how I could not tolerate being any more dried out than I am now, which is one of the most common side effects. She said she rarely had patients stop taking it due to dryness but did they start out as dry as I already am?! Like seriously I can hardly see with how dry my eyes are, I can't cry, my skin is flaking off everywhere, I can't poop, my mouth and throat are so dry I have to constantly drink massive amounts of water, my blood tests show I have some dehydration going on too. So maybe she should wonder why I am so freaking dry before she prescribes me something drying!
I'm scared of other side effects too of course, like liver stuff, twitching, weight loss, electrical shocks like I had with other things, and stuff like that but the dryness thing really bothers me because I already have that so severely and I am not taking ANY kinds of medicines anymore because of them being drying and my allergies are so bad but I had to stop that a long time ago because it wasn't helping at all with the dryness!

I need to stop ranting and raving and go to bed already.