expendable crewman (kanashimi2) wrote,
expendable crewman

I don't know what I'm going to do.
The doctor said I definitely need a mammogram and probably an ultra sound too.
I can apply for the charity after I get the bill but it's never guaranteed and you wait 2+ months with this worry hanging over head if you will be stuck with this giant bill you could never pay.
I'm actually more worried about that the results of test. I feel like it will probably be nothing and I will gone through all this for nothing but then the other part of me, which includes my mom, sister and doctor, tells me I need to do it so I can be sure and catching things sooner is better.
And I'm still so sad about Cole that I don't even care much about living right now.
All I can do is lay in bed and cry and miss my cat and worry about if I have cancer and then I have jury duty in 2 weeks and how on earth am I supposed to get through that with all this going on. Even on the best of days my mental state isn't good enough to cope with jury duty.
I don't know what I am going to do. I really can't take any of this anymore.
I need some kind of escape but there isn't anything I can do to escape this turmoil within me.
I wish I could go for a drive, or shopping, or get myself some cute things to cheer me up but all that takes money and that is something I never ever have.
It would all be temporary and momentary relief anyway, it wouldn't last.
I wish I could at least eat some good foods but I can't even do that because my guts are such a wreck all the time and I never could find a way to get help for that either. But I guess lumps in breasts are more important in everyones mind than constant pain, sickness and agony in my entire gastrointestinal system.

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