expendable crewman (kanashimi2) wrote,
expendable crewman

Everything is such a disaster I feel like I am going to have a full blown panic attack.
Dryer's been acting up and then tonight it overheated really badly and now I'm scared there is something wrong with the wiring or something and our house is going to catch fire.
We can't even figure out how to unplug it because it's not a regular kind of plug and we don't know how to get it out and my dad seems to be unwell these days and he's been sleeping all evening so we can't ask him for help and just reminds me of how helpless we all are without him.
How will my sister and I do anything without our parents?
All we have is this little old house that is breaking down all over the place and full of mold and we have no idea how to make anything in it work or run because literally everything in here has been rigged up by my dad in some non standard way.
And every time something goes wrong my dad gets into such a depression and gets so mopey and says to just get rid of everything and now that he's older it's worse because he's less capable than he used to be.
So I don't know if he went to sleep so early because of depression about the dryer or if it's because he's been acting weird health wise lately.
Though he's in denial about it and refuses to go to a doctor, he says after what I've been going through why should he go because they don't seem to know anything and I rant and rave about how stupid and useless doctors are all the time but if it's a heart problem they would be able to help with that. They're good at stuff like that especially in old people. But he's scared to know something is wrong so he'd rather just pretend it's not.
And it doesn't help that we're worried about my mom having cancer and she can't get the test until end of july to find out.

My sister and I have been talking about how we probably only have 10 years max left with them and even that is a best case estimate. Then what are we going to do? She is struggling to find a job and I'm too sick to do any kind of job and can't even get anyone to believe there is anything wrong with me.
Housing here is one of the most expensive in the country and even the lowest costs in the country are more than Alyssa would be able to afford if she does get a job and she wouldn't be able to take care of her self and I would let her take care of me even if she wanted to.
My parents only have social security so there wont be anything left to use other than this broken down shamble.

The doctor I have been seeing is going to make me actually loose my mind. She seems to know absolutely nothing at all about conditions that are so easy to look up and find everything about! She doesn't even believe stuff my previous doctor did tests for and diagnosed me with she acts like I'm lying about it! I am ready to quit her and probably will even though she's all I can afford but she isn't finding anything wrong with me so whatever it is is beyond her capabilities so it's pointless.
I hate thinking about the future, even thinking about tomorrow is scary let alone what to do when I'm left completely alone without anything or anyone and no place to live.

Anyway just had to write this out because it helps ease the panic for a little while at least.

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